


all the gold dust in her eyes

by stars_inthe_sky



Series: Comrades [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Memory Loss, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-20
Updated: 2014-03-20
Packaged: 2018-01-16 09:38:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1342717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stars_inthe_sky/pseuds/stars_inthe_sky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The truth stays classified, and Natasha continues to visit a stranger with a familiar face.</p><p>(Prompts for #buckynat week)</p>
            </blockquote>





	all the gold dust in her eyes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [springsoldier (ladydaredevil)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladydaredevil/gifts), [red_b_rackham](https://archiveofourown.org/users/red_b_rackham/gifts).
  * In response to a prompt by [springsoldier (ladydaredevil)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladydaredevil/pseuds/springsoldier) in the [BuckyNat_Week_2014_Drabble_Prompts](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/BuckyNat_Week_2014_Drabble_Prompts) collection. 



Natasha pushes into his hospital room as soon as the unsentimental SHIELD nurses stand aside. The man she’s come to see is propped up by pillows, covered in cuts and bruises, and connected to a plethora of machines, yes, but he’s upright and awake, and he looks up with a relieved smile when he sees her.

“Finally,” he rasps. “Someone who’s not a doctor. Are you with SHIELD, then? It’s SHIELD now, right, not the SSR? That’s what they said earlier…”

Natasha freezes. “You don’t know me?”

“Should I?” He looks genuinely concerned. “I can’t imagine I’d forget meeting a dame like you.”

“You’d be surprised,” she chokes out, recovering quickly. “But, yes, I’m with SHIELD. Agent Romanoff.”

“First name ‘Agent’?” There’s a twinkle in his eye, but she knows better than to react to it.

“Natasha,” she says flatly.

“Natasha Romanoff,” he repeats. “Pretty name for a pretty lady.”

She looks him over carefully; there’s no question he’s been through the grinder in the last few days. He’s likely on a battery of painkillers, and the nasty stab wound in his thigh is hidden by a blanket. When he had recognized Steve in the field, everyone had taken that as a sign that Bucky Barnes was back from the dead. But there are few traces of the Winter Soldier as a result.

“Do you know where you are, Sergeant? Has someone…”

He nods. “They told me 2014, Russians, brainwashing, suspended animation, metal arm, the works. Steve filled me in on a few other things earlier. It’s a lot to get my head around, I guess, but I don’t remember, well, any of it, so—that’s where I am. Oh, and I’m under strict orders not to get out of bed, which I was ready to do anyway until I looked at my leg...”

“Excuse me,” Natasha says, blinking back tears before they can give her away. “I should pass that on.”

***

“You don’t have to keep visiting him,” Steve tells her quietly.

“Did he say something?”

“No, no—he likes you plenty. And it seems like you have a swell time when you’re in the room there, but whenever you leave it, it looks like someone died.”

She resists the urge to reply that someone _did_ , and instead says, “Fury thinks I might be able to jog his memory. See if he can pull out anything that’s not in that redacted file they let him see.”

“How will playing card games and watching old movies get his memories back?”

Natasha shrugs. “Darcy recommended the movies for cultural catch-up. The cards are for keeping his mind sharp, despite all the drugs. Anyway, it’s fine. He’s a good man, your friend, and I’m in between missions at the moment anyway.”

“But his memories? He just seems like Bucky to me, nothing…extra.”

“I’ve been trying to drop hints, phrases and things, but he hasn’t picked up on any of it. As I said, it’s fine, Steve. I talk, he flirts, the doctors tell him he can’t leave yet, I go chip away at the mountain of paperwork he’s generated. There are worse days.”

“Natasha…he just thinks you’re another Red Room defector.”

“Which I am.”

“But that’s not true. What you told me before—”

“I haven’t lied to him, Steve. And the truth is classified.”

***

She’s happy for Steve that he has his friend back, so she doesn’t tell him how eerie it is to see a familiar face with such unfamiliar expressions on it, nor how the strange warmth and lack of recognition in his pale, sleepy eyes haunts her.

She also doesn’t say that she can see where the Winter Soldier’s personality, underneath all the programming, had come from, that despite all the procedures and the ice he must have always had that sardonic streak, the flirtatious edge, his ability to go from smiling to sniper in the space of a heartbeat.

There’s a small, mean, selfish part of Natasha that would trade Bucky’s current peace of mind—not to mention Steve’s relief—for the man she’d known without hesitation, and yet she thinks she could love the one in front of her, if she weren’t so tied to her own memories. But she doesn’t say any of that, either.

The truth stays classified, and Natasha continues to visit this stranger with a familiar face.

***

“They cleared me for active duty,” Bucky tells her.

He’s walking around fine these days, and they’ve even sparred a few times. He’s good, very good, and he punches harder with the metal limb than the Winter Soldier ever did, but she’s fighting a scrappy orphan with specialized military training, not the expert assassin who had trained her. She’s used to the differences, though, most days. “Still have some tests to pass, but it sounds like I’ll be working with Steve and Sam soon.”

“That’s good,” she says, and means it. “You’ll make a good team.”

“Yeah, it’ll be nice to get back out there. Fighting the good fight,” he agrees. “I’ll miss seeing you around, though.” He rests his hand on her left cheek.

She stiffens but doesn’t shy away from his touch. “You’ll manage, I’m sure.”

“Natasha, you—you were there, weren’t you? In the Red Room, with me. We weren’t just prisoners—operatives—in the same place. We were there together. Right?”

“You tell me.”

“Please, Natasha. Because I can’t imagine having met you—in any life—and not fallen in love with you.”

His other hand lands on the small of her back, and she lets him kiss her. Of course she does. The years fall away, and she’s young and reckless, and she will never not be close to this man, whoever he is, if she can be.

“Sorry, I—I’ve been waiting to do that since I met you. This time around, anyway.”

Natasha half-whispers, “No, that—that was good.”

“It’s funny, I’d…I’d thought maybe you could help me bring it all back, you know? Like in the stories.” He lets out a watery chuckle. “I’m sorry, I—I know you keep looking at me expecting someone else.”

“That’s not your fault.”

“But it’s true?”

“It’s classified.” She turns to leave. “Good luck with the guys in D.C.”

“Wait, Nat— _Natalia_ , _pozhaluysta!_ ” He grabs her elbow, pulls her back, and their eyes meet. “Huh. Maybe I was right, for once.”

“About what?” It comes out more breathless than she intends.

This time, when he answers, his eyes are bright, and his smile is familiar.

**Author's Note:**

> [springsoldier](http://archiveofourown.org/users/springsoldier) prompted: "I just need some intentional (on one side or both) memory loss angst!"  
> [red_b_rackham](http://archiveofourown.org/users/red_b_rackham) prompted: "[i hurt myself today / to see if i still feel / i focus on the pain / the only thing that's real](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTxX9-hd_hw)"
> 
> Also posted [here](http://stars-inthe-sky.tumblr.com/post/80180022886/all-the-gold-dust-in-her-eyes) on Tumblr. Title from Joshua Radin's "[Star Mile](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=feKFsbXpFsU)."


End file.
